Though I’ve never really concerned myself with understanding the particulars of the game, I can honestly say I love to watch football. I like the sounds of football: the curt shouts, the knocking about of helmets, the referee whistles, the stadium roars. I like the stories of football: because there are so few games per team per season, every matchup has great potential for drama. I like the psychology of football: the way an offense can be forced to pass when it wants to run, or run when it wants to pass; the suicidal expressions of kickers who’ve just missed a potentially game-winning field goal; the Roman-gladiator-victorious-style celebrations after sacks, interceptions, touchdowns.
But you know what I best about football, better than all these things combined?
The pure, unadulterated man-candy.
If you know me, you know I like a big man. I like men tall. I like men thick. I like men stereotypically masculine in a Brawny-paper-towel-meets-Idris-Elba kind of way. I like muscles, of course, but I like straight-up chunkiness even more. And finally, I like a nice ass. Football players are therefore the ne plus ultra of my personal taste in mens; they are for the most part tall, thick, muscular, chunky, and have to wear tight, shiny pants to work.
Such personal preferences have, over time, led me to a startling revelation. After years of careful study, I’ve realized that there is one best way to predict the outcome of any given football game. Simply pick which team’s starting quarterback you’d most like to bang, et voila: you’ve picked the winner.
Evaluating quarterback bangability is not just a matter of evaluating empirical hotness. You’ve also got to take into account personal reputation, passer rating, endorsements, and age. You know how it works in real life: a 5 can become an 8 just by dint of having a sense of humor, and 9 can become a 2 when you notice the Rohypnol dropper in his pants pocket. Which is to say, the Quarterback Bangability Index is utterly suggestive and results, rather than being based on the statistical reality of the players in question, are based wholly on the emotional whims and sexual vagaries of the individual fan. Which is to say, 50% of the time, it works, every time.
Let us put the Quarterback Bangability Index (QBI) into action using the 2011-2012 NFL playoff outcomes.
Starting with the AFC, our first matchup is the Cincinatti Bengals vs the Houston Texans. The Bengals started Andy Dalton, a rookie hailing from Texas Christian University. Once in a while, Andy Dalton is cute:
Image via NFL News World
But most of the time he looks like this:
Image via Exposay
EEEEEEE. He’s like a ginger Dr. Spock. Seriously, imagine some pointy tips on those ears and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Besides, his college team mascot was the “Horned Frog”. Decidedly not sexy.
The Texans started T. J. Yates, also a rookie who played for Chapel Hill. T. J. Yates is adorrrrrable:
Image via culturemap houston
That’s him on the right (because why have a picture of one hot guy, when you can have a picture of two, hugging?). He has dimples and, you know, Chapel Hill. Light blue is like my favorite color! Also, he is 6’3″ to Andy Dalton’s 6’2″ and has a passer rating of 80.7 to Andy Dalton’s 80.4. A very close match, but no cigar, Andy. Texans for the win, which they did.
Next, we have the Pittsburgh Steelers vs the Denver Broncos– a QBI matchup that incited heated debate across the land, to be sure. The Steelers started Ben Roethlisberger, who used to be sort of hot but now looks like this:
Image via everyjoe
I.e. like one of Bill Swerski’s Superfans at his Saturday afternoon over-forty touch football game. Which is still sort of endearing, until you see pictures where Ben looks like this:
Image via CBS News
Groce. There’s nothing worse on a man than an unkempt Ceasar haircut. And way to shave your double chin for your press conference, ass. I will give Ben some credit for being one of the best quarterbacks of all time, and the only quarterback in NFL history to achieve a perfect passer rating twice in a regular season. I will then take away this credit for all those rape allegations, which keep buzzing around poor Ben’s greasy head like so many irritating gnats. I mean, honestly, even the ugliest quarterback is still a quarterback, for Pete’s sake; there’s enough gold-digging, star-fucking tartlets out there trolling for pro-player D (myself included) that a QB shouldn’t have to force himself on anyone, ever. That’s like Idris Elba paying for sex. Uh, dude. You can have as much as you want for free. On the other hand, there’s enough gold-digging, star-fucking tarlets out there who, after consensually scoring some pro-player dick, find themselves alone in bed the next morning with only “this lousy t-shirt” and by lousy t-shirt I mean herpes, and who thus attempt to shrug off disappointment by obtaining money and attention via falsified rape charges. (I do not include myself in this category.) Who knows what the true story is with Ben. What’s important to the QBI is that Ben reportedly has a grey penis. A grey penis. What. The. Fuck.
And, in the other corner, starting for the Denver Broncos we have Tim Tebow, whose personal reputation score is so high compared to Ben Roethlisberger’s that Tim might as well be exhibiting signs of the stigmata:
Image via Homebrewed Christianity
Honestly? Honestly, he looks like a Michelangelo sculpture. You see:
And I’m not just talking about the perfect musculature or his Vitruvian Man proportions– it’s particularly his face that looks like it was handcrafted by Michelangelo. The full, sensual lips; the aquiline nose; the deepset, doeful eyes; the quizzical brow that seems to find the world at once ridiculous, and miraculous… I’m sorry, where were we? (Side note: if you’re one of a very, very small group of people who are familiar with the lecture style of Dr. Nina Serebrennikov, one of my all-time favorite teachers, for fun, please read the preceding sentence in her husky art-history voice.) Anyway, Michelangelo had a type, and it was Tim Tebow. And who knows? Maybe Tim Tebow’s type is Michelangelo. But, in the immortal words of Mean Girls: just because he has a lisp and is a virgin, doesn’t mean he’s gay! The funny thing about Tim Tebow is that he seems be a kind of mirror for America: what you think of him reflects more truth about you than it does about him. If you’re gay, you might think his purportedly religious reasons for abstaining from sex are all a ruse to hide his deeply closeted homosexuality. If you’re a straight female, you might think it’s super sweet he’s saving himself for marriage (and you might also hope that just because someone’s “saving himself” doesn’t mean he can’t “trade oral”). If you’re a straight male, you might think there is no fucking way he is really still a virgin. If you’re an atheist, you might think his unanswered prayers for victory are simply more proof that God doesn’t exist. If you’re an evangelical Christian, you might think he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. (Side note: is sliced bread really the high water mark of greatest things? I mean really. Is slicing bread hard? Did I miss something? Sliced bread? Who fucking cares? What about, like, Special K Red Berries? Or jet airplanes? Or how the iPhone camera flips around?) Poor guy. We plump Americans are making myriad judgments from the comfort of our recliners while he’s just trying to play football and pray like his momma taught him. In the immortal words of Mean Girls: he’s just a homeschooled jungle freak who’s just a more hot version of Brady Quinn. And that’s the thing. I don’t care if he’s gay, straight, a virgin, a slut, a Christian, or just faking being Christian for attention. Take all that away, and one truth remains: he is GORGEOUS.
But, in terms of the QBI, we cannot take all that away; we must take it into account. Well, I like that he’s a Christian, but I don’t necessarily like that he prays for all to see. Obviously those verses in his eye paint get people thinking (during the 2009 BCS Championship game, when he wore “John 3:16” on his face, “Tim Tebow John 3:16” was Google searched 90 million times in the next 24 hours) , and he is from a missionary family, so he probably feels it’s right and good to use his high profile to spread the Gospel. But my non-demonstrative liberal New England Presbyterian upbringing can’t help but shudder a little at such displays of religiosity. I also dislike that he’s put his virginity on display for all to see. Granted, the only reason everyone knows he’s a virgin is because at a press conference, a reporter asked him if he was, and what was he going to do, lie? Still: I think that if you walk in your faith and decide that waiting until marriage to have sex is what you want to do, that’s great. I have lots of friends who’ve done this and it seems to have really worked for all of them. But don’t put that shit on me. I’m not saying I would never wait. I’m saying I think attempting to make an example of your own premartial abstinence is dangerous: it often attaches shame to sexual feelings, and breeds ignorance of the body. Anyway, I will get off my soapbox. The important thing about Tim Tebow’s virginity is that it makes him infinitely less bangable, because 1) he simply won’t bang you and 2) if you ever did talk him into it, he’d probably be terrible. A real one-two softie. Plus, he’s kind of a shitty quarterback. Magical, maybe, but not reliable. Or, at least, Tim Tebow is a shitty QB compared to Ben Roethlisberger. Not compared to, like, me.
So, as you can see, the Ben-Tim QBI matchup is quite close, in the end. Tim’s passer rating is 75.1; Ben’s is 92.1. Tim is 24, which is “hot” and “older” if you’re 19, but not if you’re 29; Ben is 29, which is “old” and “creepy” if you’re 19, unless you’re a very certain kind of 19 who got dragged to Disney pilot auditions by your mom when you were seven. If you’re 29, any other 29-year-old who is a millionaire and one of the best pro athletes in American history is a panty-fucking-dropper. In fact, if you’re 29, any other 29-year-old who hasn’t spent the last 500 Saturday mornings of his or her life watching Mean Girls on TNT and eating bacon-egg-and-cheese sandwiches makes you say hey girl heyyyyyyy. Tim does topless ads for Jockey; Ben’s endorsements include… his own line of BBQ sauce and something called “Big Ben Beef Jerky”? Excuse me? You have an allegedly grey penis and you’re marketing beef jerky? Broncos for the win, which they did.
Next, the Broncos played the New England Patriots. Again for the Broncos, we have Tim Tebow:
Image via TMZ
That’s right baby, lick those lips. And for the Patriots, we have the ineffable Tom Brady:
Image via Hot Guys
You know, I really can’t decide who’s the hotter of the two. I think Tim Tebow might have the better-looking face, but whatever it is that makes guys just debilitatingly, brutally sexy– Tom Brady has that in spades. Of all the 6’4″, 225 lb quarterbacks out there (and there are a lot of them), he out alpha-males them all. And who’s to say why? He’s appeared in tons of cheesy fashion spreads. I’m pretty sure he does yoga with his girlfriend. He endorses Ugg boots, for God’s sake. Yet somehow, he’s so fucking hot. He even looks good with long hair– something I rarely say about any man. Also, he has like a trillion NFL records, a passer rating of 96.4 to Tim Tebow’s aforementioned 75.1, and he’s 34 years old. Thirty four! That is an extremely sexy age to 29-year-olds like moi, and also kind of ancient, in football years. Peyton Manning is 35 and people are talking about him like he’s the next Brett Favre. Yet Tom Brady is playing like he’s still 27. Plus, you just know Tom Brady can work a girl out in bed. Sorry Tim. Patriots for the win, which they did by a ton.
Meanwhile, the Houston Texans played the Baltimore Ravens. For the Texans we again have T. J. “Dimples I’d Like To Fuck” Yates:
Image via Yahoo! Sports
AWWW. Who’s the wittle quartbacky wacky? Who is he? Is he mommy’s big boy? Yes he izzy wizzy… I’m sorry. Where were we?
And starting for the Ravens, we have Joe Flacco:
Image via Delaware Today
Which, you know, meh. I don’t like his Bert eyebrows:
And I don’t like his Blue Steel look, and I definitely don’t like that he endorses Reebok and Pizza Hut– because if you know me you know how I feel about the Domino’s Pizza Tracker, but on the other hand, he does seem like a pretty upstanding, level-headed, extremely talented without being showy young quarterback with a long career ahead of him. He’s only the fourth QB in NFL history to bring his team to the playoffs in each of his first three seasons, and he’s the only QB in NFL history to have won at least one of those playoff games in each of those three seasons. That shit cray. And! And, he’s 6’6″. That’s almost too tall, even for me, but, he’s got three inches on T. J., and his QB rating is exactly five points higher than T. J.’s. Plus, I keep wanting to call T. J. “T. J. Maxx”. And nobody wants to fuck a discount purse retailer.
But still. Despite all this, my QBI still would’ve picked the Texans. The dimples! Oh well. The Ravens and their boring Ben-Stiller-straight-man of a quarterback won anyway.
Finally, the Ravens played the Patriots. For the Ravens we have Ole Grampa Flacco:
Image via bigleadsports
Why do you always look like you forgot to put in your dentures, Joe? And for the Patriots, we have Tom “I’d Hit It Even In Uggs” Brady:
Image via Wikipedia
Yeah, there’s just no contest. Patriots for the win. (Disclaimer– I bet actual money that the Ravens would win because I am a Giants fan and I wanted the Giants to play the Ravens. There’s a life lesson here: NEVER IGNORE YOUR WHAT YOUR QBI IS TELLING YOU.)
Moving on to the NFC, in the first round of the playoffs, we had the Detroit Lions going against the New Orleans Saints. Why did no one alert me to the cuteness of Lions’ quarterback Matt Stafford? UM HELLO Sportscenter, this like your ONE JOB:
Image via PeopleQuiz
OMG SO ADORBS. This is the kind of guy I would’ve absolutely died for in college. Rosy cheeks, curly hair, breathing through his mouth and kind of dumb-looking. Fortunately, I am no longer in college, and in any case I feel I would not quite have been Matt’s collegiate “type”. I feel this because his Facebook page is apparently stocked with pictures such as this:
Image via Deadspin
Oh Matt. You’re so cute and then you go and do something like wear those white plaid bro shorts.
Meanwhile, starting for the Saints, we have my one true love, Drew Brees:
Image via Right Fielders
As I have told and will tell anyone who has ears, I waited on him and one of his teammates a couple of years ago and he was the. Nicest. Guy. Ever. Not just “polite enough” but actually friendly and chatty, not only with me the waitress, but with the various customers who approached his table. And that’s what media reports always say about him too, so it’s nice to see that for once the reputation matches the man, no? And he was so cute! But not that tall. But, yay for overcoming the odds and being a kind of short quarterback! But still, not that tall. Matt Stafford is 6’2″; Drew Brees is only 6′. I mean, I think my dear 5’8″ brother, for example, would kill to be 6′ tall, but in the land of sapling quarterbacks, 6′ is chump change. However, Drew Brees is involved in like a trillion charities, whereas Matt Stafford’s only charitable contribution seems to be to sports bars who let in underage girls. Also, of two rather down-on-their-luck cities, in which place would you rather bang a quarterback: Detroit, or New Orleans? New Orleans for the win, which they did.
Next we have the Atlanta Falcons playing the New York Giants. The Falcons started Matt Ryan:
Image via FemaleFan
He’s kind of cute in that overbitey sort of way I sometimes like. The Giants, of course, started Eli Manning:
Image via Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
The above is a picture from the 2004 NFL draft. Eli looks like he’s at a fraternity bid ceremony. Adorable. On the right we have Ben Roethlisberger. (Did you know that Ben and Eli are one of only three sets of quarterbacks to be drafted in the same year to both go on to win Superbowls?) Remember how I was saying Ben used to be hot? There’s a life lesson here: meatheads don’t age well.
I’m going with Eli because I’m a Giants fan, and the Giants did win. So you can suck on that.
Next, the New Orleans Saints played the San Fransisco 49ers. Again for the Saints we have Drew Brees:
Image via Self
whose incredibly cute baby definitely positively impacts his QBI, what with all those Vick’s Vapor Rub commercials, but let’s face it folks: my Drew is not aging so well. What’s up with the ratty bangs, dude? You’ve got a receding hairline. Your forehead looks like something you could surf.
And for the 49ers, we have starting quarterback Alex Smith:
Image via trialx
HOT DAMN. (Also, can you tell I like pictures of men licking their lips?) You can just tell this mother is tall. I like his shaved head and his scruff. I love a man who’s clean cut on the top of the head yet rocking some hair on the chin side. Now, see, this is one of those times when the QBI would’ve come in very handy for predicting an upset. Even though Alex Smith’s quarterback rating is nearly a full twenty points lower than that of Drew Brees– the widest margin we’ve seen thus far in the playoffs– the hair quality factor gives Alex the trump card. 49ers for the win, which they did.
Then the Giants played the Green Bay Packers. For the Giants, we again have Eli Manning:
Image via nj.com
who just really does not set my loins on fire. He’s so boyish, you know? And he kind of looks like a tool when he smiles. Or like maybe he just shit his pants. See what I mean?:
Image via Wikipedia
I mean, I love the Giants, I really do, but not because their quarterback is hot. I love the Giants because my dad loves the Giants and my brother loves the Giants. I’d love the Giants if, like, Chad Kroeger from Nickelback was the quarterback.
And for the Packers, we have Aaron Rodgers, which, oh my:
Image via theberry
I think he’s the hottest QB in the NFL. So here’s a few more Aaron Rodgers pictures for good measure, because this was the Packers’ one playoff game, and there’s no sense in letting good dick go to waste. Here’s Aaron dressed down, with Brett Favre:
Image via Zenko
Nothing like mesh athletic shorts to “stimulate the imagination”. And here’s Aaron somehow looking hot even whilst rocking a Fu Manchu:
Image via MSF
That’s like, against the laws of feminism.
And not only is he gorgeous, but his passer rating is a 104.1. That’s insane. That’s actually a full 22 points higher than Eli’s. So, all QBI indicators pointed to Packers win, but the Giants took it in a bit of an upset.
Finally, the Giants played the 49ers. I’ve said pretty much all I can say about Eli:
Image via examiner.com
although I’m just now noticing the faint trash-stache, which, ew. And he looks kind of like the kid from Hook, no?:
Image via ZUguide
I’m being awfully hard on Eli. For the 49ers we again have Alex Smith:
Image via Sports Illustrated
You just know that guy has a big ole hang-down. And he has a kind of sad-but-inspiring story: in six years with the 49ers he’s worked under six different offensive coordinators and multiple head coaches, endured numerous injuries and booing fans, and, in 2008, his best friend committed suicide. Think about that last part for a minute.
Anyway, the Giants won. I never said the QBI was foolproof.
So, in the Superbowl, we have another QBI underdog matchup: the New York Giants vs the New England Patriots. I give you shirtless Eli:
Image via Korked Bats
What is this, a 1990s GAP commercial? Do you even play sports, dude?
And I give you shirtless Tom Brady:
Image via Hair Styles
My QBI says Giants for the win, not because Eli’s hotter (I mean… obviously) but because Eli’s already upset QBI Goliaths Aaron Rodgers and Alex Smith. It’s all downhill from Aaron Rodgers.
The Quarterback Bangability Index 2012 Scouting Report
Girls seem to like the Jets’ Mark Sanchez, but I just don’t see it:
Image via CBS News
He looks like someone with whom Eva Longoria would rebound.
The Colts’ Peyton Manning is a stone fox. (Again, sorry Eli, my little whipping boy.) Unfortunately he has a potentially career-ending neck injury. If only he would let me “massage” it:
Image via bumpshack
My QBI tells me he’s going to be back in a major way next year. Mostly because my QBI’s checking account at The National Bank of Spank needs a deposit knowwhatI’msayinnnnn?
Why is no one talking about the Cardinals’ Kevin Kolb?
Image via gcobb.com
I know that’s right.
And finally– I don’t care what anyone says– I know he might be cocky, and overconfident, and a con man– but my QBI loves her some Cam Newton:
Image via Ball Junkie
I think he’s gonna have like TONS of home runs next year.