Vanity Fair’s Proust Questionnaire as answered by the cast members of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Adrienne: Being buried alive and then breaking out of my coffin and scratching my way to the surface of the earth. Like that scene in Kill Bill. Can’t you just feel the splinters in your knuckles, the dirt under your fingernails? God that scene makes me hard.

Lisa: Curled up on the couch in front of a roaring fire under a plush throw made from the virgin-white fur of baby seals with my children and my darling dog Giggy, specifically those times when Giggy is so stuffed full of foie gras and champange that he is rendered completely, almost lifelessly immobile, and I can pretend he is actually a stuffed animal, specifically the velveteen rabbit which Cruel Nana cast into the fire after I had scarlet fever during the Great War.

Taylor: To be an innocent, beautiful butterfly drifting through a field of buttercups under a warm sun. And the butterfly is this beautiful pink color, maybe like the color of my favorite lip gloss. And also it glitters. Did you know butterflies have no concept of money? Isn’t that crazy?

Kyle: High school.

Kim: You know, the sound, that sound, like ummmm what are they called? (laughs) You know (shaking her fists in the air, dancing in a vaguely Latin fashion) (laughs) ummm… maracas! You know, maracas, that sound? It’s just my favorite sound in the world. It sounds just like when you refill all your prescriptions at the pharmacy and you put the new full bottles in your purse on the way back to the car. And it just sounds, like, you know (pressing her lips together; tearing up) like love, you know, to me. I just want to be in a, I don’t know (laughs), a hammock, outside of some old beach shack, in Mexico, overlooking the Pacific, listening to Pedro play the maracas. With my kids of course.

Camille: Okay, well, this is going to sound obnoxious, but you know, Reese Witherspoon and I could’ve had the same career.  I mean, had I not met Kelsey… we– Reese and I, we were auditioning for a lot of the same parts, and I got the callback for Cruel Intentions, and basically, you know, I had to choose.  I had just gotten married, and I had to ask myself, Do I want to do this movie, and go off and be an Oscar-winning actress?  Or do I want to be a mommy?   I guess my idea of perfect happiness would be to go back in time and let my surrogates just basically keep the kids.

What is your greatest fear?

Adrienne: The general public discovering that I am actually Dick Cheney.

Lisa: Darling, remember the Holocaust?  What if the Holocaust came to Beverly Hills and was, you know, perpetrated on the wealthy?  I mean, let’s not be ridiculous, but also, what if?  What if I had to choose between my children and my doggy?  You know, Lisa’s Choice, that kind of thing, darling (laughs throatily).

Taylor: Do you remember that book The Metamorphosis by that Kafka guy that you were like forced to read in high school?  That gross book about the guy who wakes up one morning and finds out he’s turned into a cockroach?  It’s way more creepy in the original German, trust me.  Anyway, my worst fear is just like that, just waking up one day and being something totally alien.  Like, the idea of waking up and finding myself full of self-confidence and poise and having no insecurities– just sounds absolutely terrifying.  Doesn’t it?  (throws hands into the air, laughs nervously) That, or people seeing our bank statements!  (more nervous laughter) That, or people seeing pictures of me when I was in high school!

Kyle: Me?  I don’t have any fears.  Hahahahano.  I’m kidding.  I’m afraid of menopause.  I just really love getting my period, you know?  It’s the time of month when I feel most like myself.

Kim: Being alone.  Completely alone inside a white room with no windows and padded walls.  Just totally alone.  No one to talk to.  I can’t even– I can’t even go there.  Also, my fans realizing I’ve had chronic Bell’s palsy since 1998.

Camille: For a long time, I was very afraid of all these feelings I would have for women.  You know, romantic, sexual, very erotic feelings.  I guess you could say I had lesbian impulses.  But then, after they canceled Club MTV– this was back in ’90 or ’91, I think, right around that time that everyone started insisting you use condoms, which was just the worst– I was a young, beautiful dancer, I was living in New York City, okay, and I was broke.  I’ll admit it.  I was broke, and I ran into Eric Nies at The Limelight, and, okay, I was a high as a kite, and okay, he paid me and Julie Brown to have a threesome.  Okay?  There, I said it.  And you know what?  It was amazing.  Really, one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.  I was young, I was beautiful, there was this mirror I could watch myself in, it was fun, and now, you know, look at us.  I have multiple properties in Hawaii, and what’s Eric doing?  Making workout videos?  Anyway, it just goes to show you should always face your fears.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Adrienne: My cryopreservation chamber.

Lisa: Well, I suppose employing Cedric as my rent-boy for so many years did get rather expensive, didn’t it, Giggy?  But, like I always tell my children: Mummy’s got needs too!

Taylor: Oh, gosh, I don’t know.  I actually like the simpler things in life, you know? (tilts head like a confused cocker spaniel)  Like, I don’t know, a white pocket t-shirt.  Or a shiny new nickel.  Or maybe just, you know, going to a gas station and pouring myself a hot cup of coffee?  And maybe using one of those wild creamer flavors they have there, like Raspberry Mocha or something!  Wouldn’t that be just so amazing?

Kyle: Paying for my sister’s Demerol drip so I can look better by comparison when we’re filming.  Yup, that’s pretty much it.

Kim: What people don’t know about me… (pauses, shakes her head drunkenly)… is that I rent out these storage spaces, I mean these HUGE storage spaces (gesticulating with hands wildly), and then I go on these HUGE shopping sprees to TJ Maxx and Marshall’s and Ross and I buy TONS and TONS of stuff, and not just for myself, no (shakes head vigorously again)– mostly it’s gifts for my kids, my family, my friends, and then I put it all in one of the storage units, so I can always have a gift on hand if I need one for, you know, like a party or something.  I’m kind like Oprah in that way. (closes eyes, licks lips weirdly)

Camille: About five or six years ago, I was getting some minor work done on my lips and around my eyes, and while I was on the table I suggested– just kind of spur-of-the-moment, I’m like that, you know– I decided I wanted my nipples to be gold-plated, kind of in the shape of a sunburst.  This was around the time Janet Jackson showed her breast during the Super Bowl, and that’s kind of what inspired me.  She’s always been an icon of mine.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Adrienne: It would be nice to be able to enjoy just simple, missionary-style sex.  Really conservative, vanilla, middle America sex.  Maybe even through a hole in a sheet.  No bondage equipment, nothing like that.   I swear, the only place I can get off lately is in the bathroom of our jet.

Lisa: I wouldn’t change a thing about myself, darling, but I can give you suggestions for all the other girls. 

Taylor: Hahahahahaha. Hahahaha.  Haha.

Kyle: I guess I would maybe make myself a little bit less selfless, you know?  I mean, I just give, and give, and give, and sometimes I feel like my whole life has become about fixing other people’s problems.  But I have a really hard time putting myself first, you know?

Kim: unnnnggggggg this survey is BORingggggg

Camille: Well, I definitely wouldn’t take back my marriage to Kelsey, because look where it got me. (titters smugly) But, watching myself on TV this season, I’m realizing I’ve really got to stop making jokes about what a tiny dick my ex-husband had, and how bad he was in bed.  I mean, that just makes me look like the idiot who fucked him for fifteen years.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Adrienne: An MD in plastic surgery.  Why do you think I married Paul?

Lisa: Oh, I don’t know.  Can’t we talk some more about my adorable dog?

Taylor: I will sell this house today.  I will sell this house today.

Kyle: I could never be with someone who isn’t adventurous in bed.  I’m the kind of girl who likes to fuck in a octopus costume and be called Ursula when I climax.  What can I say!  I’ve always loved Disney.  I’m really a child at heart.

Kim:  (slurring) I dunno… I like guys who like soup… and pizza.  Milk.  Feet.  Christmas trees!   You’re pretty.

Camille: What’s that thing that Puff Daddy used to say?  You know, Puff and I spent a little time together at Sundance in ’96– he’s very sweet.  Anyway, what did he always say– oh, I’ve got it, I’ve got it– it’s all about the benjamins, baby.  (does the Tootsie Roll)

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Adrienne: Charity.

Lisa: Restraint.

Taylor: Wrinkles.

Kyle: Humility.

Kim: Temperance.

Camille: Chastity.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would be?

Adrienne: Probably a praying mantis, a black widow spider. Something along those lines.  You know: little, cute, sexually cannibalistic.

Lisa: I’m going to live forever, darling.  No, really.  The original title of that children’s book was Vanderpump Everlasting.  Really, darling!

Taylor: Laura Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie.  And I would never grow up.  I would just always be a little girl forever.

Kyle: Well, I’m a Christian, you know, so I don’t believe in reincarnation.  I got to this great church.  Kris Jenner started it.  You should hear her sermons.  They’re amazing.  She’s kind of like a female Hollywood version of Joel Osteen.  Really empowering.  She just gets this town, you know?

Kim: Paris Hilton.

Camille: People are always telling me what a great sense of humor I have, so I’ll probably come back as someone really funny.  Like Jen Aniston or someone like that.  Hopefully I’ll be able to make people laugh even more in the next life than I did in this one.

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