So Jake Gyllenhaal is gay, right? And his “relationship” with Taylor Swift was manufactured so that she would be in the tabloids around the time of her album release and then they could break up and he would look like a heterosexual player and she would be “heartbroken” and have tons of new material for future songs, right? I mean how many guys in your high school drama club were straight? Like, one, right? And he was kind of gross and tall and had a big adam’s apple and long curly Nickelback hair, right? He didn’t look like Jake Gyllenhaal. The one that looked like Jake Gyllenhaal was the one you were in love with for all of high school– literally four years of your life– and then when you saw him at the 24 hour diner when you were home for that one Thanksgiving during college and you were stoned and it was like 1:30 in the morning– you spotted him over the faux-wood linoleum booth divider, and you saw him pick up the spoon in his glass bowl of rice pudding, maybe his pinkie was up, you can’t remember, but, right then– you just knew he was gay. Right? It’s kind of sad to be a girl in love with a gay dude, because usually unrequited love is so tragic and personal, but when he’s gay, it’s like you don’t even get to be dramatic about it. You can’t really take a distaste for the genitals of half the planet’s population personally. When you’re a straight girl in love with a gay dude, you can’t get all Baz Luhrmann or Frankie from Real World San Diego about it.
And the whole thing with Kanye West getting on stage with Taylor Swift at the VMAs last year? That was staged, right? Did anyone else think that? It was all planned out so that, you know, people would actually watch the reruns of the VMAs, and Kanye would look like an opinionated drunk asshole (Which is obviously the image he’s trying to project; have you ever read his Twitter feed? And I quote: “I specifically ordered persian rugs with cherub imagery!!! What do I have to do to get a simple persian rug with cherub imagery uuuugh”. I mean that’s amazing but I rest my case.) and Taylor Swift would be “heartbroken” that her moment was stolen from her and have tons of new material for future songs, right? In any case, Kanye was right. Single Ladies is THE MOST INSANE video ever. It is the world’s sexiest dancing. Well, it’s actually not that sexy if you have ever watched me try to do it in the shower while washing my hair (which happens… every time I shower), but I actually remember watching the video for the first time on YouTube in a coffee shop and closing my laptop halfway through because I was afraid someone would see me watching such SCANDALOUS BEHAVIORS. I actually kind of felt like I was watching porn in public. Maybe I am just a closeted lesbian, but it was hot. Watch the Single Ladies video and then watch the You Belong With Me video, back to back. It’s like someone going down on you for three minutes and then forcing you to watch an episode of Lambchop instead of taking you to Pound Town.
In other news, I can never, ever tell my parents about this blog.
And this is coming from someone who loves Taylor Swift and actually bought her album in the store, like actually bought it in the plastic jewel case, which I haven’t done since the second Coldplay album came out. All of her music is like the suburban white girl version of “I’m So Into You” by Tamia, “Sittin’ Up In My Room” by Brandy, “Before You Walk Out Of My Life” by Monica and all the other R&B hits by single-name female artists of the 90s on which I was raised. AND she’s not pretending to be a virgin. But I think she could tone it down a notch on the publicity. Her songwriting stands on its own; no need for the Taylor Swift: Inside My World tell-all book from US Weekly Publishers to supplement it. Carly Simon totally capitalized on bitter breakups with famous lovers in her music and she didn’t need her publicist to notify the paparazzi that she was about to have a cup of cloudy coffee with Warren Beatty or James Taylor or whomever.
Also: Tom Cruise gay too, right? I mean, that’s what they say. However, I think it would be amazing if Tom Cruise were, in fact, straight, and is actually really in love with Katie Holmes and vice versa, and then if Brad Pitt were actually The Big Gay Closeted Actor That America Doesn’t Know About, and Angelina was his beard.